Maile Hernandez

Watching Juno.  God, I forgot how sweet a movie that is.  Jennifer Garner’s finest performance.

My husband was supposed to be home tonight.  And he isn’t.  And he won’t be.

And I don’t know why.

And I just snarfled (my own made-up word) 3 pieces of pepperoni pizza.  I ordered pizza.

I remember the first time I told him I loved him, probably eleven years ago.  He said we were going to get hot dogs.  I said, “Oooh!  I love ya.”

I made it sound casual.  It wasn’t.  Part of him knew it.

We broke up once.  When we got back together I never looked back.  We were only broken up about a week, but it was the week I knew I knew.  I would never look for anyone else again.  We didn’t get married till several years later, but I never looked around me again.  Johnny Depp could have been standing beside me, offering me a villa in France, and I wouldn’t have cared.  

I’ve fucked up a lot.  So has he.  Oh, plenty.  Do not get me wrong about that.  I’ve disappointed him, I’m sure, though he’s been too kind to ever really say so.  I’ve been disappointed because it wasn’t a fairy tale.  No, it was real.

It was really, really real.

I don’t know where he is.  He said to try not to worry.  

Wherever he is, I know the sun is shining out his ass.  As always. 

Today I was having an exchange with my coworker.  I was saying I felt out of sorts and depressed because Conrad’s been out of town.  I had been annoyed about something that came up, but not at my coworker, and he knew that.  Then I said that Max had been out of sorts at school too, and that maybe it was because Conrad was out of town.

He said, “Well, Conrad needs to come home soon!  I prefer Smiley Maile to Stressed Maile.”  And I said, “You’ll take what you get and you’ll like it!”  He replied, “Wow, you are out of sorts.  Come home, Conrad!”

Then some work-related stuff came up, and my coworker answered a question of mine, and said, “I left the paperwork on your desk.”

I replied, “First of all, lose the attitude, and second of all, we need to give it to the judge when he gets out of court.”

Well, I thought it was obvious I was joking, continuing on the theme that Conrad was out of town and it was leaving me cranky.

Apparently it was not obvious to my coworker because he went off.  “Seriously, you need to take a chill pill.  I was just answering your question, and if you read sarcasm into it, that wasn’t the case.  Sorry . . .”

Well, I immediately said to relax, I was just messing with him, and he did.

So why did it still leave me bummed out?

I guess because it was the first time I saw him mad at me, even though it was immediately resolved, and it was a new side.  Also I guess I felt sad that he thought for even a second that I would actually speak to him like that in seriousness.  I would never say that to anyone, not even someone I hated, let alone someone I like and work with every day and consider a friend.  And I guess I was annoyed at the thought that those misunderstandings can happen between me and him, so I might have to be more careful about some of my sarcastic jokes from now on, and I had thought one of the cool things about him was that I didn’t have to be that careful, I could trust him to “get” me.

A lot to read into one tiny misunderstanding, huh?  Well, I don’t mean to, but I’m just thinking about why it left kind of a somber caste to my day, and those are the reasons I came up with.  Maybe writing them down will make it go away!

For who else was up at 1 a.m. last night wolfing down old Halloween candy while watching a show about people getting in shape and living healthier, better lives?

Conrad’s out of town.  He has a trial in Yuma.  So it was just me and Max last night.  I took him to the park.  He’s now into climbing trees, and needs a lot of spotting.  It’s kind of dangerous, but what can you do, little boys climb trees!

Oh, and I heard him say two new words last night.  “Plate” and “Pretty.”  He’s heard me say it when admiring lights, so now whenever we go by a house with Christmas lights he stops and says “Pwitty.”

Then the conversation goes like this:

“Yes, pretty, Max.  Very pretty.”

“Pwitty.”

“Yes, it is, Max … very pretty!”

“Pwitty.”

“Very pretty.  Come on, Max, let’s go have pizza!”

“Pwitty.”

“Yes, indeed, honey.  Come on, let’s go!  Go go go!”

Silence.

“Max, come on!  Get back on your bike, let’s go!”

“NO!”

“Yes!  Come on, buddy.”

“Pwitty.”

“Yes, very pretty.  Let’s go.”

Silence.

“Maaaaaxxxx … I’m warning you … - No, don’t touch that! -  … GET back on your bike.  We HAVE to GO.”

“Pwitty.”

“Let’s GO.”

Silence, followed by:

“Goooood boy.  Good listening.”

So anyway, we got home and Max cooked his pizza.  He does it all by himself.  He takes it out of the packaging, turns the microwave tray it comes in upside down like he’s supposed to, puts the pizza in the microwave on top of the tray, and even fastidiously replaces any loose pieces of cheese and pepperoni that may fall off prior to cooking.  Then he sets the microwave for TWO MINUTES.  After the disastrous popcorn incident I’ve taught him to punch in 2:00.  Of course now he thinks EVERYTHING takes two minutes, but it’s better than setting the microwave for an hour.

I do take his pizza out and cut it for him though.  It’s too hot for him to touch.  He knows this and demonstrates such by saying solemnly “Ott.” as I take it out.

After his pizza we went upstairs and I lay down with him.  I planned to get back up when he fell asleep but, as often happens, I fell asleep too.  Then I woke up at 11 and could NOT get back to sleep. 

Conrad and I only have a queen bed, and since he’s so big I often wish we had a king, but even a queen bed sure feels vast and empty when you’re used to having this big, warm being next to you every night.

So I got up at about midnight and went downstairs to watch The Biggest Loser.  Which always makes me hungry.  So I raided Max’s Halloween candy.  Nothing like chowing on Rollos, bemoaning the fact that I’ve already put on ten pounds, while watching an inspirational show about weight loss.  Sigh.  WHEN will I get back on a health kick!!?

Not today.  I went to bed at 2:30, then got up at 5 to get Max to the home of the lady who is graciously driving him to school.  It was an extra long drive to work after that so I had McDonald’s.  God bless the Egg McMuffin. 

So Conrad will still be out of town tonight.  I might order pizza.

Yeah, it’s like that. 

Can’t wait till he gets back!

I don’t really listen to her music, but I find her story endlessly fascinating.  I love watching the shows about her, the behind-the-scenes stuff.  So I waited with great anticipation for this MTV special, and rushed home to watch it today on my DVR.  I mean, I know the whole thing was like a giant promotional push for her new album, but still, I was interested.  How can you not be curious about a curiosity?

Patrick Demarchelier was on there!  I remember his name from The Devil Wears Prada.  ”Get Demarchelier on the phone.”  - “I have Patrick!”  A photographer.  I had no idea.

The show was good, but ended with kind of a whimper, I thought.  

So here’s this girl.  Stunningly gorgeous, very talented, very driven.  And, not the brightest bulb.  

It was funny how many things she thought set her apart from everyone else, and every last one I thought, I have the same thing.

“I can’t go out anywhere with my kids.”  Yeah, I can’t bring mine many places either.

“Unless she’s between four walls, she’s never really free.”  Me too.

“You have to put up your guard all the time.”  Uh, who doesn’t?

Etc. etc.  There were a lot more I noticed while I was watching, where I just thought - don’t we all feel that way?

But it’s funny, I mean she CHOOSES fame.  She does.  Obscurity is the default state of any of us.  Unless you’re like, Steve Bartman maybe, who caught that ball at the Cubs game, or something accidental.  She’s working, very hard, to stay in the public eye.  I think she’d be devastated if she wasn’t in it.

So yes, in a way she’s like everyone else, the same defiance borne of the same kinds of fears, the same regrets (”what the hell was I thinking?”) - but in a way she’s driven, inexorably, to keep herself in the unique place she is.

Well, maybe that’s just like everyone else too.

I’ve seen this quote before and came across it again:  “Someday there will be a story you want to tell for no better reason than because it matters to you more than any other…You’ll stop looking over your shoulder to make sure you are keeping everyone happy, and you’ll simply write what’s real and true…That’s when you’ll finally produce the work you’re really capable of.”

J.D. Salinger said it.

Uhm, yes, it’s true, that does happen.

To follow it up is a quote from Dude, Where’s My Car? - “And then?”

And then.

And then you take in your dry cleaning.  You wash the dishes.  You breathe in and breathe out.  You go to the store, you balance your checkbook.  You look at your pores, close up in the mirror.  You squeeze out painful memories as best you can.  You find things to laugh at, you make a clever quip here and there, you gain weight, you lose it, you do your nails, and remember who you are, and sometimes, just for a moment here and there, forget.

You shake your head at yourself.  

You swallow hard.

And the next day, you do it all over again.

How are you different and distinguished, in the aftermath of your great coming-to-self?

Well . . .

You have more to laugh at, more to cringe at, and more to remember, and more to forget than you did before.

In other words - time went by and you did what you had to do.  Just like the rest of your life.

I just caught my son shaving his legs?

Well, he’s seen me do it, and he’s really into imitating us lately.  Which is great, it means he wants to learn new things, but unless he’s planning to become a competitive swimmer any time soon, I don’t think he needs to be borrowing my Venus Divine.  Just a wee bit hazardous for a six year old autistic boy.

Still, I felt a little proud.

We’re seeing The House Bunny tonight at the dollar theatre.  We wanted to see it, so sue us.  I like that Anna Faris.  She’s funny and not hideous to look upon.

Max has a cold and he’s being something of a tyrant, too, so we’ll welcome the break.

What I don’t welcome is the ten pounds I’ve put on.  Damnit, I just can’t seem to get into a health kick right now.  Boo!

At the moment I’m by myself, a very strange state to be in on a Friday night.  I just went shopping, something I rarely do because I loathe it so.  But Conrad went to the football game, Max is with his hab worker, and I looked at the movies but there wasn’t really anything I wanted to see.  So I braved the Black Friday crowds and took a little evening trip to the mall.

Did I mention I hate shopping?  It exhausts me, immediately.  I tried to take it slow and just be relaxed about it.  I got two dresses for work, one at Windsor and one at Bebe.  I really need new pants, new shoes, a new all-purpose black skirt - but I ran out of energy after I found the two dresses.  It’s not as easy to buy clothes as it was when I was younger and more lithe!  

Anyway, then I went to AJ’s Fine Foods (best store ever) and got some turkey and stuffing.  Because I love leftovers more than the actual meal and we didn’t really take any home to speak of.  Tonight I shall pig out on it, by myself.  Don’t feel sorry for me, I’m looking forward to it!  Oh, how I love solitude.

We’re on our way over to the in-laws’.  Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good turkey day.

Want to comment on The Biggest Loser.

Amy is SO CUTE.  I love her.  I’m so sorry to see her go but she is gorgeous and adorable and yay for someone who doesn’t like football!  A girl after my own heart.

I don’t like Vicky but I must say that after seeing her in her natural habitat, with her kids, it’s like, OK. 

Within the context of the show, no, she’s by far not my favorite person and I don’t like her attitude.  I never saw what was so Godawful about Phil that she had to treat him like a plague and get everyone else to follow her.  I really think they were very mean-spirited towards him.  I love how YOU play the game, then someone else tries to strategize a little and you act like they’re horrible people when they’re just trying to play, same as you.  Sheesh.

However, outside the game, she’s just a regular person with kids she loves and worries about, so how can you see her as really horrible?  I don’t believe situations like these reality shows bring out the “real” person.  I think it’s such a staged and pressurized atmosphere that who knows how people will react, and it’s not fair to judge someone’s whole being on how they choose to behave in that situation.

I must say Rocco DiSpirito’s healthy meal looked damn good.  I wouldn’t mind trying that myself.

Well, I didn’t plan to talk about the Patti LuPone book on here, but I’ve had a lot of questions.  

It’s a memoir of an experience I went through.  It is MY memoir.

It’s a story of admiration, and why that admiration came about, and what it led to in my life.

It’s not about Patti LuPone, it is about me.

However one may judge it, I can promise I have already judged my own story a thousand times, because I lived it.  I was a fool in all kinds of ways.  But there are reasons, explanations, behind all the actions I took that led to the events I relay in the book.    

We live a story, it is what it is, and we move on.  And as a writer, I decided it merited telling.  For me, anyway, it did.

In the words of Mr. Forrest Gump:  ”That’s all I have to say about that.”

A favorite line of mine from Sophie’s Choice that I sometimes quote is:  ”When you live a good life - like a saint - and then you die . . . THIS must be what they make you to drink in paradise!”

I do believe that Sprinkles red velvet cupcakes have got to be on the menu in Eternity.

Tomorrow is my boss’ birthday and what better excuse than to bring in Sprinkles!?  We got a dozen.  I ate a couple of them tonight, though.  So sue me, I’m only human.

My favorites are the red velvet and the peanut butter chocolate chip.  I brought in a red velvet for my co-worker the other week, but thoughtlessly neglected to bring one for the boss, and despite the fact that he runs every day and is a health nut, he also has quite the sweet tooth, and I’m pretty sure he was jealous.  Now I can rectify my error.

No wonder the stars all love Sprinkles cupcakes.  La Linds, Brangie, TomKat, even Nicole Ritchie can’t get enough of them.  They ain’t cheap, and if you eat too many or too fast you’ll get heartburn (burp), but when you taste them, you WILL know where that extra money you spent went.

Yep . . . yours truly is going to be the big hero tomorrow.